Its Thursday! One more day to Friday and then the weekend, I am so happy.

I am just blogging random things, I doubt anyone reads this but I figured it is cathartic for me.

My vent/worry for the day, my dear daughter.

Tiff is now 22 but is still immature and behind where she should be. She always has been though so I am not overly surprised or worried about that. But its hard to deal with her sometimes because she acts so needy and then gets mad at me when I don't do everything or give her everything. God forbid though I don't let her do whatever she wants -- then she gets so upset. I think she is at this stage she wants all the privileges of adulthood and NONE of the responsibility. I need to work with her to get past that but its hard because we wind up fighting...she says something that makes no sense or is obviously not true and I react to it.

She "may" be having some health problems though. I say may because Tiff tends to exaggerate or make up most things. If she skins her knee, its broken; if she bumps her head, its a concussion; if she had a headache its a migraine. She is the boy who cried wolf times 10. So forgive me if its hard to take any issues she has seriously.

She came home from school a month or so ago and I made an appointment with the doctor. She has all kind of issues with always being sick so I wanted her checked out. She went to the doctor with this list of things that she thinks is wrong---some I know about, others I don't. I did NOT go because I wanted her to be honest with the doctor about things including any substances she is using etc. and obviously she won't be with mom in the room. The doctor made a bunch of follow up appointments, a pulmonary test for suspected asthma, a orthopaedic visit for her back (which I just found out she thinks is hurting because her BF threw her up against the wall) and a cardiology visit that she wasn't sure why except she thinks its for her heartburn. I told her I was sure she wasn't seeing a cardiologist because of heartburn!

So I didn't go with her. Bad mommy.

She left the office with an appointment for an echo cardiogram, a prescription for a cardiac monitor she has to wear for a month, and a follow up appointment at the end of July. What she didn't leave with is any understanding as to why these tests are relevant or needed, what could be wrong and what the doctor felt could be happening.

Now, I am torn. I am worried about her obviously, but I am still not convinced that something is even wrong. I wish I had gone to the doctor with her so I would have more answers.

Tiff claims her limited understanding is that she reported having blackouts or fainting spells. The doctor thinks that could be caused by blood pressure or a heart issue. I don't know if they have any empirical data to support that she is having black outs or any evidence beyond her statements. Again, Tiff blackouts I am not sure about---she has told me about one while she was walking down a street in Tempe after a huge fight with BF and was in tears, dehydrated and the time at 100 degrees. Was it a blackout, did she trip and fall, had she been drinking or taking something, was she dehydrated or was it emotional. . .I didn't know and didn't worry about it too much. (at that point I was trying to get her away from BF) I have never seen one of these blackouts and cannot even speculate as to the cause.

After talking with her, I am still not sure if there is any empirical data or if they are only relying on her self-reports. I still believe she is not the most accurate reporter so I am concerned. I also wonder, cynically, how much this is going to cost me.

Yet, another part of me is scared there is actually something wrong with my little girl and am mad at myself for being cynical and not listening to her. I just really can't believe there is something wrong beyond Tiff being hysterical at times and exaggerating her symptoms. God I really hope I am right.

So the next appointments, I am definitely going to, or having our oldest go to at least one so someone is there to ask questions and understand what is being said. I really wish I had taken the time to get off work and go with Tiff yesterday so we would have a better idea of what is going on.

I love my little girl to death and I know I sound like the most horrible mom in the world. Its just been really hard to deal with all her drama she has done since HS, getting pregnant, living with new bf, running back to old bfs, just being so damn angry and hateful at times, that I am just tired of it all. I really really need to make an effort though to be with her and spend more time with her (and try to bite my tongue when I am with her) because if she doesn't feel the love she is more likely to go running to these damn boys.

I adopted Tiff at age nine, fostered her at 7. She came to the table with lots of baggage but I have to say that the last three years have been the most difficult of all the time I have been her mom. It was so much easier to work through all the rest and work with her toward solutions. Now she doesn't want my help or my input, only my money. Its so hard to watch her run off and make mistakes -- not itty bitty mistakes but life changing and life damaging ones. I have been so hurt that I have tried to distance myself from her to save myself if I can't save her.

If there is really a physical problem though I have to be there for her. . .I just hope I can figure out how.

This is a long blog, I hope it makes sense.

Gotta go to work. . .Peace out.