The times they are a changing

December 1, 2010

I don't remember when, or how, or why, but one day I woke up and really realized that I wasn't happy. Not that I was expressly unhappy, I just didn't like who I was or where my life had gone. I've never really talked to anyone about this, a few times with hubby, sorta, but not really. I'm not sure when I stopped being happy, and I'm not even sure I know why I'm not happy.

Don't get me wrong – I love my family. I love my daughters and could not live without my baby boy. My husband is my best friend, I adore him; he is the first person I look for in the morning and the last person I think of at night.

It's more where my life is, what I have done with it, what I have not done.

How do I know I'm not happy? I have no zest for life. I go to work and exist through the day, just waiting for the clock to say go home. I go home, and exist. I have a few glasses of wine, some nights maybe more, hang out for a bit, wait until my son goes to bed, veg out watching tv, wait to go to bed, toss and turn, get up tomorrow and do it all again.

I exist. That's it.

I have been a lawyer for ten years. The past several years, I have really done nothing. I started out good, people thought I was going somewhere, my name would be known, you'd read about me. I think I started out on the right path but somewhere went left instead of right. Or maybe even took a u-turn. I earn less money now then my first year out of law school, have less responsibility, I exist. My name is not known, no one cares. I'm the one that shows up and everyone says who are you.

I saw a job opening recently, not that I am looking, but it was a great opportunity. I didn't even bother. I am simply not qualified. There is nothing I can point to recently that would impress anyone, least of all me.

After ten years, other lawyers have gone on to partnership, trials, things that they really enjoy. My cousin who is a year older is a judge, another cousin, a year younger, a partner in a large law firm. Me, I exist.

After the accident, in 2004, I learned to live with pain. It's not so bad now, still there. But I went from being in the best shape of my life, to the worst. Baby weight that won't go away, extra pounds from when I quit smoking, probably a few extra pounds from those few glasses of wine.

I have almost no friends; I don't call those I do have because why would they want to hear from me? They have lives, exciting things, my life is boring.

I have almost no money in savings, owe debts up the wayhoo and my balance on my student loans is increasing, I haven't made a dent while most of my peers probably have paid theirs back completely.

This isn't how it was supposed to be. I had goals, aspirations, dreams. I was going to accomplish something. Somewhere along the road, I let a few bumps hold me back. I took the safe way, not the hard way. I learned to exist.

My husband is ten times the parent I am. He is ten times the spouse.

I am not the lawyer, the wife, the mother I wanted to be.

I exist.

And I'm not happy.

And you know what? It's my own damn fault.

The only person who can change this is me.

I need to decide, do I want to be happy, or just be.

In a month, it will be 2011. A new year, a new start. I need to decide how I am going to change, what are my goals and how am I going to reach them. I need to stop thinking of what could have been and look to what is, and what will be. It's not too late to change, it's not too late to make me into who I want to be.

It's not too late to be happy.

So its my time, 2011 is my year. I am going to use this month to decide how and what I'm going to change, who I want to be, where I want to go.

I don't actually think anyone reads this blog J LOL, who would, after all who am I? But I am going to try to use this as my log of my attempts. We will see. If anyone does read this, feel free to chime in, I need all the help I can get.

I just want to be happy again.