Second thoughts. . .

I think I am having some second thoughts. . .well not really but still . . .

Today I dropped off the last of our paperwork for Z to start preschool in November. He is going to the French/American school and will start the Monday after he turns 2. Yes, I said 2. so in just about 4 1/2 months.

It is a great school and Charley and I have talked about and planned for him to go there since before he was born. We were so excited he was accepted, we took the application process seriously, not knowing how much competition he had.

Its going to be a great experiance for him, I really strongly believe in teh value of bilingual education and really want him to have that opportunity. I love the school, that is not the issue, and since they pro- rated the tuition since he won't start until November, its great.

So what are my second thoughts?

Is he really going to be ready in November?

The 2 year old classroom (PK0) is filled with all kids who are at least 2 by December 2010, they are allowed to start on their second birthdays. So there will be kids there who turned 2 in January.

I know there is going to be developmentally appropriate activities but Z doesn't sit still, or listen really good, or even play nice right now. The time we observed, all the kids were sitting nicely at tables doing crafts --something Z is really not capable of doing now.

I am sure between now and November some of that will change. I am also sure he will learn to behave better and I know that even if he stays were he is, he will have that same sorta structure at his current day care when he ages up to the 2 year old class.

I know this is the best option because if we waited until he was three, he would not have a year of language exposure like he will now.

I want to push him to exceed and fulfill all potential, I just don't want to push him to far though. He is still my little baby boy.

Yes dear, whatever you say dear

My dear hubby is officially on my shit list today.

We have had sleeping problems with Bub for the last week or two. I think a lot of it comes from being in a new house, he wakes up and his room is different, his toys aren't hanging from the ceiling, everything is new and different and it freaks him out. So he wakes up and doesn't go back to sleep.

We usually wake him up around 6:00 a.m. anyway to bring him to bed and nurse or have a bottle. A few weeks ago, he started waking up and fussing around 5:30 -- no big deal --almost time to wake up, so Charley brought him to bed. Sometimes it was 5:45 --other times 5:15. Little too early to wake up for my tastes but usually he snuggled up and went back to sleep.

Then about two weeks ago or so, he started to wake at 4:00 a.m. Again, Charley brought him to bed. This went on for a few days. Then it was 3:00 a.m. About a week ago it was 1:30 a.m., then 12:30 am...see a pattern?

Of course he wanted in bed with us. Much more comphy in the nice toasty water bed snuggled up with daddy. He quickly (in my opinion) figured this out.

I wanted to put a stop to this.

So Friday night, when he started fussing around midnight, I told Charley we were not going in. I let him cry about 30 minutes, went in to say I love you and you are okay but you need to sleep in your own bed. He had thrown his bottle on the ground and was standing up.

That got more screams.

So I went in again, rocked him a bit, gave him his bottle, nursed him until he fell asleep-- and of course he woke up screaming as soon as I put him in his crib.

Went in a third time.

Finally, just let him cry.

Took about an hour and a half to two hours total, but he finally went back to sleep.

Charley was not happy about that. He thinks its mean and after all we would get more sleep if he was with us.

Saturday night comes, and I wonder out loud how he will do and Charley asks me "are you doing the same thing? " YES I want to break him of this habit-- I know he is a smart baby and he has figured this out and we need to put a stop to it.

Thankfully, Saturday night he goes to bed and doesn't make a peep until 7 a.m. NICE.

Sunday night, get him in bed, we are tired, work tomorrow. And, of course, he wakes up at 11:45 p.m. We lay in bed listening to him fuss for a bit. Charley finally gets up and I was like "really" he is barely fussing, not screaming, just whimpering, he will eventually go back to sleep.

Well, Charley says, I will get more sleep if he is here instead of in his room fussing. So, over my objection, he goes and gets Bub and brings him to bed.

We all go to sleep.

3:00 a.m. I wake to well aimed kicks to my kidneys. Bub has turned himself sideways and apparently is trying to get comphy. I move all the way to the edge of the bed....and so does he. Finally, I roll over, move his legs so he is not kicking me. He quiets down....

for another 15 minutes.

Then he starts tossing and turning, moving, rolling, up down up down for the next hour and a half. I guess he just can't get comphy and so he is just moving around. Finally, around 4:15, I ask Charley if he has any bottle left to help settle him down, Charley gets up to get a new bottle and Bub rolls off the bed to follow him, but he is still half asleep so he walks a few feet, falls, cries, walks a few feet. Charley grabs him, hands him to me, and gets the bottle.

I think he finally got back to sleep around 4:45 a.m.

Yes dear, we certainly get more sleep when he is in bed with us.

Sigh.

My birthday was yesterday. I turned 39 ...um I mean 29?

I was dreading my birthday, especially after reading back over my blog with the drama from last year.

I had an AMAZING day though, probably one of the best days/birthdays in a very very long time.

Tuesday night -- the night before --Ash showed up after work having stopped at the store and bought me Rotisserie chicken, delicious mashed potatoes, and garlic bread. YUM. She was in class on Wednesday night so couldn't be there. It was WONDERFUL and so sweet.

Wednesday I come into my office filled with balloons and presents from my co-workers. I got this amazing iron cat, a wonderful bottle of wine, Outback gift cards, flowers and this really cute photo frame.

My daughter Tiffany took me out to lunch, and not just a deli sandwich, actually Chili's a sit down amazing lunch. And she paid! I think that was one of the first times any one of my kids actually picked up the check. It was so sweet and thoughtful.

I got tons of text messages from friends and family, phone calls and facebook posts!

Charley came home with a balloon --which of course Bub took -- and angel food cake.

Then Adrienne and Ashley's gift was two tickets to the Peter and Paul (of Peter Paul and Mary) concert in October I have totally wanted tickets too!

The girls watched bub and Charley and I went out to an amazing dinner at the La Jolla Strip Club.. yummm, granted we had to cook our own steak but that was fun. After dinner we hit their bar and I had an amazing amazing bloody mary. We asked the bartender if she could make a non spicy one -- they use a mix which is spicy but she said she was up to making one from scratch. Yummy

Got home, and Charley I even had time to get into the hot tub for a little relaxing.

It really was a great day.

My only regret is that I was so freaking tired -- the night before I couldn't fall asleep until after 2 and then Z woke up at 4:30 and got into bed with us and refused to go back to sleep. So I was SOOOO tired.

But you know, if that was the worst part of the day....

I really actually felt loved!

Oh yeah, and I think my dad forgot it was my birthday because I didn't get any messages from him. LOL oh well.

Remembering how lucky I am

Yesterday, a mother and father had to bury their 9 month old son. I don't know the family, beyond reading their blog for the last many months, but I grieve for them, I cried many tears over the passing of a little boy who never left the NICU. They live across the country and I will never meet them but there are connections...the mom is a teacher at the college I went to, the baby was at a hospital my sister worked at. . .mostly, they are parents of a beautiful little boy who has gone Home.

I read their blog last night of the funeral, it was so sad. I cried --sobbed really -- as I grieved for the loss of life and the sadness of that family. I remembered Zayden's thankfully short stay in the NICU at Children's after he was born, our terror upon learning there was something wrong, and the faces of the families that came each day to visit their children. . .I think of those children and realize that some also may have never left the confines of Children's NICU.

And then I took my little guy, gave him a huge hug, thanked God for his health, remembered the chaos and fear surrounding the emergency C-section, remembering wondering if he would live, and remembering another mom (actually my OB/gyn) who was only a few weeks behind me, and lost her baby just a week before we realized something was wrong with Zayden.

I took him to his room for night night time. I sat there rocking him to sleep, letting him nurse, until long after he was fast asleep, and I rocked him more, and held him more, and kissed his sweet face, and ran my hands through his beautiful hair, and thanked God over and over for this beautiful precious little life, and if he is to be the only one I am ever to have, then thank You for him being healthy and happy.

Almost an hour after he fell asleep, I very reluctantly put him in his crib, watched him sleep, and shed more tears for the family that will never have that reprieve, and who put their baby to sleep in a grave yesterday, instead of his crib.

Sometimes it takes that to remember how lucky I am --how sad is that.

Really??? I am OVER IT

I have tried not to vent on here too much about the trials and tribulations of my older kids but, wow, after last night I am still steaming.

Brief back story. . .about 4 years ago, my daughter Tiff got mixed up with this loser bf. He was a jerk to her, to me, in general. They got pregnant and were planning a "happy family" but of course it all crashed and burned -- very ugly ending. The baby thankfully got placed with a wonderful adoptive family, Tiff went off to ASU to get away from this boy, and life has been okay...well sorta, she got mixed up with some other loser but for us that is SOP.

Anyway, flash forward.

Tiff is now seeing this guy again. I have (mostly) kept my mouth shut, rolled my eyes and left it alone. I have my opinions but they are mine. She has a right to make her own mistakes --even if it is the same ones over and over and over and over. . . .

Last night she is out with boy and calls me to ask if they can come over and watch the Lakers game with the family. She immediately knew I was not happy about it but pushed and pushed and pushed. I said I would think about it and talk to Charley...who was at work on a call. So she takes it on herself to text him to ask if boy can come over, oh sure, why not. After all Age is bringing her new bf over too. So she sends me a text, Age's bf is coming over, so its only fair that mine comes too.

Fine whatever.

I tell her since "everyone" else agrees, they sure. . BUT I will be upstairs when he comes. While Tiff can choose to be around this guy, I also can choose to not be around him. This is a guy who treated me like shit, treated my daughter even worse, whose entire family trashed me and my daughter three years ago. Yeah -- to Tiff at 23 that is ancient history, to me, not so much.

Understand,I have practiced family law, and its off shot domestic violence retraining orders for over ten years. I do not believe people can change that much, I do not believe a tiger can change its stripes. People that abuse, mentally or physically, get that from something deep inside themselves, its a personality trait and is part of who they are. Sure some people can learn to control it or otherwise deal with it but I don't want that around me, in my house, or more importantly and what was the other point of contention last night -- around my son.

Tiff says sure you can go "hide in your room" --with all the sarcasm she can muster. But then I tell her Z will be with me and not downstairs she gets really really pissed, "but bub will want to see daddy, and play with all his toys, etc." well you know what, its almost bed and bath time, its not a big deal. Well that really ticks her off.

I start steaming. . .the problem (to me) isn't the bf coming over, its the anticipation of knowing that the girls will get together, get catty, god shes such a bitch etc. Its being faced with one of the major problems I have in the house, everyone else demands we (I) respect their feelings, their beliefs, their ideas no matter how dumb, stupid, reckless, etc they are. Hey, its your life, your choices you get to make them. But when it comes to my choices, my feelings -- screw you, get over it and deal with it. Not one person in the house ---including my husband -- gives a damn about how I feel.

Anyway, big girls come home, Age's bf comes over, I make dinner for Z, laker game starts. Gets late, I take bub upstairs, get him showered and in pjs, get him in bed. I make myself something light for dinner and go upstairs to watch tv.

Much later, Tiff sends me a text that they are on their way, then that she is about to come in.

No problem, I am already set for the night. Take a nice long hot bath and relax.

That should have been it.

Charley heads up after the game. We start chatting -- understand I was having a private conversation with my husband in my room. We had not had a chance to talk about this before cause he was gone when I got home and came home in time to start the game.

I tell him how I feel, that while tiff can certainly date whoever she wants, I don't feel I have to be around it, etc etc etc. I tell him that I really do not want Z around any guy that has ever --ever-- treated a girl wrongly because I am adamant that he will grow up to treat women with respect.

We are just talking when suddenly, and angrily, Tiff slams open our door and says if you want to say something then say it to my face, it took two of us to get pregnant you know, you can't blame him for that. .. and runs off.

I'm like hey, okay, get back in here and we will discuss it, I will be happy to explain how I feel . . ..

Nope -- that would be the mature thing to do.

Instead, she races down the stairs to sisters and sister's bf, and the boy, screaming FUCK YOU, I MEAN FUCK YOU.

Okay, well now I could have just ignored that, walked away, rolled my eyes, but hey this is me. I go down stairs, grab her by her arm, and say lets talk--now --upstairs.

She starts screaming at me, Ashley jumps in, gee that's so rude and inappropriate. . .etc. I'm like hey, you know what? I look at Ash and tell her she damn well expects us to respect her feelings and her desires, right? well yeah. .. but its not fair your mad at boy for getting Tiff pregnant, that was her choice too. . .

I'm like WTF? this has nothing to do with Tiff getting preggo. Whatever. Obviously the girls were "talking" about my feelings, and the fact that I am not entitled to them. I'm like hey, I am entitled to have my opinions and my feelings. . .

So then Tiff starts screaming at me, well yeah, feel what you want, but you have no right to say ugly things, or be mean to him or trash talk him. . .

I was pissed.

Wait just a freaking second. I was in my room, talking to my husband in the privacy of my home. I was not saying a damn thing to his face, Iwas not spreading it around the neighborhood and until you came upstairs and busted into my room, I was not even talking to you, and certainly was not talking in front of other people. (By this time Age had taken bf outside the front to get away from all the drama)

For just a second, I saw on Tiff's face that she had an oops moment, like she realized I was right. Of course that lasted a second and then she started screaming again that she wasn't eavesdropping and I was loud and I didn't have a right blah blah blah

I go outside and apologize to new bf, sorry you had to see that, etc etc. Ash just kept saying "ridiculous", etc. Bf says okay, no worries, etc, probably just to be nice. The girls tell him hopefully that won't keep you from going in the hot tub, etc.

Whatever,

I go upstairs and Charley is mad at me! He starts in on not letting Tiff push my buttons and I shouldn't have gone downstairs etc. WTF!

Fine, whatever, I am leaving! I grab my iPod and go out for a walk, at 9:30 at night. I walk and I walk and I walk, in a strange neighborhood, with tears streaming. I finally walk all the way over to the park, and start going in it then realize, probably not my best move.

The jumble of thoughts in my head, I am sick of this, I am sick of having to support everyone and never be supported. I am sick of no one respecting my opinions, my thoughts, my needs, my wants. Little things. I get my kitchen in the order I want, someone doesn't like it, comes through and moves things the way they want it. Seems like the only reason anyone gives a damn about me is to pay the rent, pay the bills, buy food...otherwise to hell with you. Even my own husband isn't supporting me. Screw that and screw them. I should pack my stuff and leave, let them pay the rent and provide for themselves. Anyway, that stuff and a lot of other stuff streaming through my head.

I come home around 10:15 thinking maybe wandering around in the dark--not a good plan. Charley of course is fast asleep, nice to know he was worried even a second about me.

I am pissed, hurt, sad.... so angry I am still shaking, there is no way I am going to get to sleep tonight. I go into the bathroom and ...then Tiff pops her head in.

Mommy, I am sorry.

I guess I did get through to her in that second.

I took her to her room and sat down with her. I told her thank you for coming in because I was this close to leaving but it meant a lot to me. She had been crying too.

I told her that I understood she had a right to her feelings, her own mistakes etc., but she had to respect that I have the right to my feelings, beliefs, etc. I told her this was not about her getting pregnant, it was about how boy treated her, how he treated me, how he hurt someone I love so much. She said she knows but that was so long ago, he was on drugs then, he had changed.

For her sake, I hope so but I don't have to forgive him, that is my right.

I think she got it, I think maybe we found peace.

She was mad coming home because I said bub couldn't be around bf.

I told her one of my most important things in life is to raise my son to treat women with respect. I will not have him around anyone who has not. That is my right as a parent.

She said she was steaming to start so hearing what I said set her off...I was steaming too because I knew the discussion/fight was inevitable and I knew the issues were going to be no one respecting my feelings.

I guess it got settled, though I am sure I will hear it from the other two girls.

I do feel bad for having a blow up in front of Age's new bf.

Super Mom!

Its a bird, its a plane, is SUPER MOM!!

okay not really, but last night was a chore. . .I know many moms deal with so much on their own on a regular basis but I am SPOILED in that I have Charley there doing so much.

Last night, I impressed myself though. I came home after working over an hour late, grabbed a beer and sat out with hubby and chatted. Then he got a call -I hate when he is on call. So he took off and I started making dinner.

This is our first week that I have done a menu and everything for the week. . with the new house and higher rent, we have to save as much money as we can so eating out during the week is a no go.

I picked a few recipes that I though Charley would love. . .night before I made a homemade beer cheese soup that was good, not spectacular, but good, but it took me over an hour to make.

Last night was a yummy meat loaf made with beef, pork sausage, and over a pound of cheese. Anyway, I start making the meatloaf, which of course takes much longer than I thought it would what with fresh homemade bread crumbs, chopped onions etc. Of course, Zayden is REFUSING to cooperate, he stands at my feet pushing on me in hopes that I would pick him up.

Finally I put him in his highchair and fed him dinner while finishing up my meat loaf. I get the meatloaf in the over about the same time Zayden decides he is done (Read, lots of "all dones" coupled with food being thrown around my kitchen) I get the kitchen cleaned up from my disaster and now the kids, get him down and we (I) decide to go for a walk --instant happy kid.

We walk all around the neighborhood for about half an hour, come home, Charley is still not home and the meatloaf has another 40 minutes. Pop kid in shower, get teeth brushed, hair washed, medicine on face, pjs on, even make bottle and start getting him to bed. Thankfully Charley came home after about 15 minutes of rocking him and him not wanting to sleep cause he wanted dada. hand off kid, go make mashed potatoes and finish dinner.

So yeah, most anyone has this as a normal day but to me, I even impressed myself!

I haven't blogged at all this year - - and here we are in June!

So the news of the week is we moved last weekend. After ten years at our beautiful house, we had to move to a new one. I am sad, and overwhelmed, and EXHAUSTED. But we did it, sorta.

So thats all thats going on right now. I'm at work so guess I gotta get back to it~